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Groundhogs, names cause storm this winter

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My Views

By Stephen Thomas

 Bullitt County officials are still unaware of the forecast over the next six weeks due to a local groundhog protest.

Nichols Nick, the official county soothsayer, refused to offer a report from Saturday’s annual Groundhog Day event to allow insight as whether or not the area will receive six more weeks of winter weather.

Weekend snows piled on to the worry that Bullitt Fiscal Court shared with city councils and employees with state and local road crews.

According to Tweets from Nick’s public relations official, Edgar “Big” Bird, a representative for the law firm of ‘Bird, Bird, Bird’, the protests appear to be geared toward meteorologists and their practice, primarily The Weather Channel.

In one Tweet, Bird announced that the whistle pig was agitated by the network’s new list of names for winter storms, similar to how hurricanes and tropical storms are labeled.

This reported made an attempt to contact Nick at his hole in the ground, somewhere in the hills of western Bullitt County. Nick refused official comment on the matter, only offering this statement:

Don’t you know about the Bird? Well, everybody knows that the Bird is the word!”

In an exclusive interview with Bird, in his nest just outside of Shepherdsville, the PR rep offered more detail into Nick’s stance, shared by many groundhogs throughout the country.

“They have a large underground network,” Bird said. “Personally, I didn’t think this protest could fly, but once it cracked through I was eating worms.”

According to Bird, groundhog already believed naming hurricanes was “a stupid human practice” second only to naming collective weather patterns “Mother Nature.”

“Look, you’re in a hurricane, you’re home is damaged, you’re life is in jeopardy... do you really care if this storm has a cute moniker like Karen or Winston? I say you don’t,” Bird Tweeted.

Scotty “Bullseye” Klackenthorpe, a meteorologist and president of the “Fanatics of Meteorology Everywhere (FAME)” Fan Club, publicly endorses the weather system naming.

“Our group even submitted name suggestion to the National Weather Service and the Weather Channel,” said Klackenthorpe. “FAME wants to live forever, and if our names are used for really big storms, people will remember us.”

“FAME wants to learn how to fly,” Bird Tweeted. “These guys just want attention, just like the local weather people on TV.”

In a statement Bird showed disapproval for local meteorologists who display “fancy-schmancy gimmicks of smoke and mirrors” while “dancing across the screen like ballerinas” to explain their predictions.

“You tell me,” Bird whistled. “They have these Super Mega Doppler Thingamajiggers, they have enough technology that they could probably create actual weather with them, and then these folks still can’t predict an accurate forecast?

“Meanwhile, here’s a guy like Nick, living in a literal hole in the ground, he makes one official announcement for an entire season, he is as accurate as the meteorologists. And he’s still living like this while these folks get fancy suits and free TV air time? Something is amiss.”

Klackenthorpe, also a member of the National Rifle Association, stopped shot of calling for a Bird hunt.

“Those dudes are all so old-fashioned,” he said. “Birds and groundhogs just don’t cut it anymore, man. People riding in self-made tanks made out of old Volkswagens and chasing storms, risking their lives to place technology inside tornadoes, that’s real weather science,” he said.

Bird said he was “sick of the 15 minutes of FAME” and again attacked the weather system name-calling.

“What did we just experience, was it Winter Storm Mona? And we got what, an inch of snow? What’s next, Tornado Tommy? Cold front Cecilia? Cool Breeze Phil? Where does it stop? Partly sunny Penelope?”

Nick did release one official statement following the public debate between Bird and Klackenthorpe:

“One of the reasons for not releasing my predictions was indeed fear that human meteorological entities would name whatever I released,” Nick said. “If it was a bad forecast, I was already cringing to hear someone name it ‘Blizzard Bob’ or something. Even a nice prediction would turn into something like “Early Spring Ethel. I just couldn’t stand for it.”

Despite official Fiscal Court protests and injunctions against Nick, Bird said local government officials remained in the shadows.

“Human laws do not pertain to groundhogs,” Bird Tweeted. “(Nick) is free to do with his forecast whatever he pleases.”

Unless further action by Fiscal Court is pursued, Bullitt County will have to settle for the forecasts of local meteorologists for weather predictions.

“Good luck with that!” Bird snickered in his final Tweet.

Groundhogs do not form unions, so each works independently in his or her regions. The unofficial national groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, did release his forecast.

According to Phil, the seer of seers, prognosticator of prognosticators, he announced, in Groundhogese, that there was no shadow to be seen, meaning an early Spring in 2013.

For more information on Groundhog Day and official predictions visit www.groundhog.org.