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It’s Halloween, the only day of the year that people around you are scary on purpose.
Sure, all those other times, when your co-worker, or your fellow driver, or even your family members can scare the bejeebies out of you, on this day it’s okay.
Once costumed beggars are done attacking my porch in the name of sugar highs, I’ll have my bowl of popcorn, stein of cider, sliced apples, caramel dip and leftover pumpkin pie lined up, right next to my antacid tablets and Pepto bottle, as I prepare to stay up all night watching scary movies.
Each year, as I float in and out of consciousness waiting for monsters to appear, I tend to think of what these movies would be like here in Bullitt County.
Rather than make you wait any longer for this monster, I’ll get right to it by presenting, in traditional B-movie fashion, this year’s local horror film ideas.
This first one isn’t exactly local but it does indirectly affect many residents:
“They’re both scary, evil creatures who want the same thing. But only one of them can have it. And they will attack each other at the drop of a hat, to the death! Things will get ugly. Damages will ensue. But most people can’t take their eyes off of it. They can’t seem to get enough of it. Not since King Kong vs. Godzilla has the world witnessed such a horrible battle. And now it’s coming to your local theatre. Will society be able to survive the showdown of... The American Idol Movie: Mariah Carey vs. Nicki Minaj!”
This one is more regional, but local sports nuts understand the suspense:
“You’ve inherited what appeared to be a quality position, on the upswing and primed for future success. You’re qualified. You’re knowledgeable. You’re even likable. But there’s a sudden drop here, a misstep there, cascading into further troubles. Before you know it, thousands want blood and are after your head. And that’s no joke! Feel what it’s like to be in the position of... The University of Kentucky Head Football Coach!”
One more with a sports theme, showing why baseball is popular in October:
“The National Pastime. Generations of Americans fall in love with it each year. But what happens when greedy money-hoarders take power and use it for their own financial gain? Changes ensue, lightly at first, a designated hitter, followed by interleague play. A wild card is added, along with more playoffs. Suddenly, the most radical idea of all: A one-game showdown between wild card teams not good enough to normally qualify for the playoffs. Before you know it, you’re headed down the path of a fiasco forever known as... The World Series Between Teams with the Ninth and Tenth Best Records!”
Back to the local stuff, with a topic so scary it could cause cardiac ‘arrest’:
“They all enjoyed themselves... for a while. But one of them was bound to get hurt bad. That’s when IT came along. Everywhere they looked, every direction they turned, it was there, waiting. The faster they go, the quicker they get caught, and the more severe their punishment. Now Hunters Hollow residents are living in constant fear of... The Extra Police Patrol Car!”
This one could scare the funny pants off Shakespeare (think ‘Poor’ Yorick):
“There he was, one day, helping to bring fame and fortune to the community, and the next day he was gone. Now, mysteriously, those who worked closely with him seem to be disappearing, one by one. Coincidence? In Bullitt County, there’s no rebuilding, nor replacing of... The Economic Development Director!”
Here’s one you’ll actually read in the newspaper:
“They arrive early, like scattered raindrops before a storm. They warn us. They tell us what to expect. But can we trust them? Can we ignore them? Do we dare believe what spin they have for us? And now, they are ever increasing, choking the life out of the editorial page. Beware, Bullitt County, for now is the time to experience the overwhelming power of... Political Endorsement Letters!”
Elections always ensue fear. Here’s a sequel to one of last year’s ideas that almost resulted in my own demise:
“There are too many to count. And they are all running. Running for the same thing. And they are all after you. They need you. They cannot continue without you. They can’t get along with each other, but there are more of them than there are of you. You’ll find yourself running from the buzzing swarm, as they continue to run for... The Fox Chase City Council Seats!”
When you have the right story line, you can’t miss. Here’s another sequel to a past idea with the sustainability of those 1970s plane crash flicks:
“It’s been here before. but it just won’t go away. It has invaded other places, but now seeks fresh victims. In a quiet town, it has once again appeared. And this time it could make its way across the entire area. Officials must now keep an eye on the City of Lebanon Junction, as Bullitt County again finds itself battling spirits with... Sunday Liquor Sales, Part IV: L.J.!”
Is there a body available for this next one?:
“There’s not enough room in this county for the both of them. One will have to go, while the other continues to play. But which one? Who decides? What are the legalities? Why does it matter? Who will remain in charge? Why MCA? It’s time to warn the village people about a potential new recruit regarding the issue of... The Parks Board!”
It’s fun to stay at the scariest locations. Here’s one about land that will haunt:
“It was forbidden property, almost forgotten. And then it became prime battle ground. Sides were taken. Feelings hurt. Lives changed. The spirits from the land were not appeased by its attempted use. The bad karma led to a difficult situation for an entire community. Now the City of Hillview may lose its soul, or at least a lot of money, in... The Truck America Lawsuit!”
Like other B-movies, this one is headed right down the toilet:
“They say never flush a baby alligator down a drain, for you’ll never know what could happen. In Bullitt County, an entity went away, but a new monster took its place. And it’s beginning to prey upon residential fears. It’s clogging the county’s pipes, along with possibly its pocketbooks. What once was unseen is now a potential three-headed menace, preying upon your worst fears. Beware, Bullitt County, and keep the lid down on... The Sanitation Board Rate Hike!”
Monsters are always good, but sometimes movies that make you think get creepy, like an Alfred Hitchcock classic:
“It begins innocently enough, perhaps a joke, a small rumor. But once it is believed, it can exist, in the fearful minds of those who do believe. It then exists in homes, in bars, at barber shops and restaurants, and then it creeps further into society, making its way to heads of state. Then it leads to a potential community civil war. Maybe it really exists, maybe it doesn’t, but it’s real to some. And if it is indeed real, how will it be stopped? How can you fight it? Bullitt County Judge/Executive Melanie Roberts leads an all-star cast in the blockbuster psycho-drama... “The Ol’ Boy Network!”
Don’t get too scared this year. Have a fun, safe Halloween!