Santa gives county one more week to behave...or else

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By Stephen Thomas

An irate, chubby little elf may cancel Christmas in spite of himself.

In an exclusive interview with The Pioneer News, Santa Claus mentioned the possibility of calling off the holiday in Bullitt County.

A prodigious pack of public performances and political prerequisites provoked the pondering of potential permanent postponement plans.

"I understand this is like a kick to the kidneys, a Pain with a big P," Claus admitted. "But the lines need to be drawn."

Claus referred to the infamous naughty and nice lists, saying some Bullitt Countians made naughty. Those names were not revealed for privacy reasons in compliance with North Pole Statute 1225-NN.

Oleo Q. Hollyjolly, spokeself for Claus' attorneys, said Bullitt County hasn't been on its best behavior in the past few years, escalating toward the beginning of this year's holiday season.

"In the past five years there are unofficial reports of more than 70 hunters taking pot shots at Santa's reindeer team," Hollyjolly said.

Claus received numerous reports of area residents collecting $100 following the CSX train wreck in Bullitt County this past January.

"Our firm believes these folks have had their Christmases already," said Hollyjolly. "We have reports that people ran across the street in cold weather with walkers and canes and then entered the short line for people needing special assistance. That's a big naughty according to our laws."

Claus' law firm (Jingle, Jangle and Falala) claimed over 1,000 e-mails were sent from county computers with cruel jokes directed toward incidents relating to the recent Ogborn vs. McDonald's trial.

"Naughty naughty naughty," said Hollyjolly. "Facts is facts."

The recent civil service trial in Shepherdsville involving former police chief Ron Morris sent shock waves through elf detectors located in the county.

"Santa was already forewarned not to consume milk and cookies at any Shepherdsville city facilities," Hollyjolly said. "We can't take any poisoning chances."

Coinciding with the crescendo of callous craziness was the current crime wave of countless copped copper, a calamity the county cops are currently contemplating.

"Countless kleptomaniacs," Hollyjolly quickly concurred. "Last year we discovered some of the copper from Santa's sleigh had been swiped. He coulda fell out of the sky, you know."

Santa Claus was not the only Christmas celebrity considering a Bullitt County Christmas passover. Blitzen, one of eight tiny reindeer in Claus' sleigh team, said he wanted to skip the area after learning liquor sales were not allowed after midnight.

"You're all over the world in one night, then you need one tiny little hot toddy pick-me-up and they deny you," Blitzen said. "You'd think for a job this big they'd reconsider."

Hollyjolly mentioned Blitzen's statements did not necessarily reflect the opinions of Claus or other member of the sleigh team. He also denied reports that alcohol consumption led to red noses for any sleigh team members.

The final straw, Hollyjolly said, was a recent letter sent directly to Claus' office from Bullitt County Judge/Executive Melanie Roberts.

The letter is a request demanding that Santa Claus not shout, "Ho Ho Ho," over Bullitt County, for fear of offending anyone. In the letter Roberts suggested a replacement phrase.

"I'm not flying over anywhere shouting, 'Rake Rake Rake,' it's just not dignified," Claus said.

Roberts stood by her request, saying she did not want to offend local gardeners.

"We are still primarily a rural community," she argued.

Roberts shifted blame toward county magistrates and some Bullitt County city officials for demanding too much.

"You offer three French hens, but they want all five," she said.

Roberts told The Pioneer News that a back-up plan to replace Claus this season was in the works and would be implemented if necessary. She planned to contact the recent local winner of the $33.6 million Powerball lottery to buy presents for everyone in the county.

Once presents were ready for distribution, Roberts said she would allow Deputy County Judge Depp Rasner permission to sneak into county homes leaving gifts.

To further promote her idea, Roberts hired Leo Sayer, a legendary pop star of the 1970s and 80s, to rework a new Christmas tune. A few of the lyrics are listed below:

"Rake Rake Rake, it's not a fake.

"Rake Rake Rake, for goodness sake.

"Up on the housetop with pep, pep, pep.

"Down through the chimney with Deputy Depp."

In a peace offering, Roberts said Rasner could use a sleigh team made up of eight homeless animals. She would allow each city council to name an animal.

The local team would be led by Loco, named by Lebanon Junction to honor their locomotive past. Loco would be joined by Tonya, named by Pioneer Village in honor of its city clerk, Tonya Hall.

Other replacement team members include: Teatotaller (Mount Washington); Geeky (Hillview, in honor of Geek Squad City); Humpy (Hunters Hollow, to promote approval of speed humps on city streets); Herschel (Hebron Estates, for former mayor Herschel Ricketts); Pothole (Fox Chase); and Silence (Shepherdsville, after no one made a suggestion).

Roberts also requested assistance from the City of Hillview in light of their annual "Operation Santa" program.

"I love that game," said Roberts. "You try to grab his beard like a wreath, his bowl full of jelly, his dimples how merry, but if you touch the sides his nose like a cherry lights up."

Claus did admit the idea of canceling Christmas in the county was dramatic but not entirely out of the question. He said all would be included in a ban, however, including this reporter.

"No new socks and underwear this year," he exclaimed.

Claus' advice to Bullitt Countians was to smile, relax, and be cheerful, merry and bright.

"Say hello to friends you know and everyone you meet," he said.

Claus said Bullitt County needed to behave extra well this last week before Christmas to avoid the holiday cancellation. He offered final words of wisdom: "Hang your stockings and say your prayers."