Turkalypse could take over Bullitt County NOW

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My Views

By Stephen Thomas

 SHEPHERDSVILLE - Recent Bullitt County turmoil could lead to the end of the world as we know it, or at least to the end of Thanksgiving.

Election results, combined with internal fighting among fiscal court and city council members throughout the community, have created hostile conditions - primary reasons why Bullitt County has become the epicenter of a cataclysmic path to societal destruction in a movement that will forever be known as the Thanksgiving Turkey Zombie Apocalypse.

Events began with reports of zombie turkeys wandering county roads. Police investigators and University of Kentucky scientists believe zombie turkey origins trace to local teens attempting to eat turkey faces.

Hunters Hollow mayor Linda Parker theorized that turkeys became zombies “probably from drinking whatever Bullitt County Sanitation keeps trying to scrub out of our waterways.”

Local church leaders are warning congregations to prepare for the great apocalypse of 2012 predicted by the Mayan calendar and described in the Book of Revelation.

Conspiracy theorists are on board, claiming government officials tried to cover up the turkey zombie apocalypse by starting the Christmas season Nov. 1, completely bypassing the traditional Thanksgiving season.

“Think about it,” argued local conspiracy theorist Clifford “Fiscal Cliff” Peak. “One day it’s Halloween, you have pumpkins in the stores. The next day, no pumpkins but lots of Christmas trees and music. And no one said a word about it, like it was some sort of natural phenomena. The other holiday just went away.”

Peak set aside both his professional paranormal investigating and semi-professional Sasquatch hunting to devote himself full-time in spreading word of what he dubbed the ‘Turkalypse’.

“The Mayans predicted this, but it never made sense how it would actually happen until now,” he said. “Think about it. Hurricanes in New York. Earthquakes in Kentucky. It has started. Now there’s no more Twinkies or Ho Ho’s or Ding Dongs. They’re even letting people shop on what is supposed to be Thanksgiving Thursday instead of waiting until Black Friday. Zombie turkeys are the final proof.”

Peak felt the Turkalypse coincided with Mayan predictions and Thanksgiving scheduled one full month prior to the alleged Dec. 21 Doomsday date.

“It will take just that one month for the turkeys to wipe out the human race,” he said. “This year they’re gonna feast on us. The world is over as we know it.”

Jake Turkey, official spokesturkey of Turkeys United for Freedom (TUFF), denied “any and all claims of dead turkeys walking.”

According to Jake, the situation was “merely propaganda” being spread by another turkey organization, the Militant Indigenous Turkey Trotters (MITT), a radical branch of the United States Gobblers of Pride (GOP).

“They want to control Thanksgiving and everything it entails,” said Jake. “They only want one percent of Americans to eat, to be thankful and to have a piece of the pumpkin pie, while at least 47 percent can’t even celebrate.”

According to Jake, MITT began as a quality group providing a large nest egg for turkeys under advisement from former lead turkeys Alexander “Duke” Turkey and Herb Turkey, but began to falter under the latter’s son, Herb W. Turkey.

Jake’s denial of the Turkalypse and MITT propaganda exposure was not enough credibility for local officials, many appearing to ride the GOP wave along with Peak’s concerns.

County Judge/Executive Melanie Roberts released a statement accusing magistrates of donating tainted dog food, which she claimed was illegally obtained, to the Bullitt County Animal Shelter, where local Thanksgiving turkeys are housed until the holiday.

“These turkeys eating the free dog food offered by these magistrates resulted in a turkey zombie increase,” Roberts said. “It’s all their fault. This is obviously a result of the Ol’ Roy Network.”

Magistrate Joe Laswell, an avid hunter, blamed state legislation attempts pushing for a stop of free hunting and fishing for citizens.

“If a black bear comes at me in the woods, he ain’t worried about whether or not either one of us has a license,” Laswell argued.

Peak said the fact that the government tried to sneak the issue through on this year’s general election ballot only enforced the theory that there was fear of local hunters shooting tainted zombie turkeys and then consuming them.

“What happens to humans eating these birds,” he inquired. “Will they not also become zombies?”

Bullitt County’s initial panic spread across the country, with 20 states considering secession from the Union if the federal government refuses to offer further protection against zombie turkeys.

Jake feared the national reaction was exactly what MITT was hoping for. In response, TUFF turkeys have joined an organization opposed to MITT’s ideals, the Original Birds of America Maintaining Authority (OBAMA).

Benjamin Turkey, OBAMA spokesturkey, addressed officials during a special meeting at the Bullitt County Courthouse. His speech gave many in attendance a new confidence that the Turkalypse was under control, though many more continued to fear the worst and insisted upon secession.

“While our road has been hard, while our journey has been long, we have picked our giblets up, we have fought our way back, and we know in our wishbones that for the turkeys of America the best is yet to come,” Benjamin said. “I have learned from you, and you have made me a better turkey.”

Fiscal court continues to weigh the potential of secession, hoping to be included with other states in a move by the ceremonial Dec. 21 date.

In a late breaking statement released by the North Pole’s official newspaper, The Kringler, Santa Claus himself warned the country that any state declaring secession prior to Dec. 24 would not receive a visit from him this year.

“That’s something we need to seriously consider,” Roberts said. “I don’t know what I’d do without my annual stocking stuffers.”

Fiscal court members agreed to avoid negative publicity surrounding potential Claus avoidance, now focusing public awareness on Thanksgiving.

Officials compromised on an agreement that the Turkalypse was indeed a hoax, encouraging all Bullitt Countians - not just voters - to take time and truly enjoy this year’s holiday.

“Cuz it might be our last one,” Roberts added.