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Turkeys strut around county in protest to current affairs

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My Views

By Stephen Thomas

 Like millions of other American homes, Bullitt Countians face uncertain times with continued trepidation, especially during the upcoming holiday season.

Much of the trepidation stems from a radical yet popular movement established in recent months by Thanksgiving turkeys throughout the United States, organizing to protest abusive treatment during the annual American event.

The largest of these protests, in New York City, is known as the Turkey Peacefully Intended Encroachment (TurkeyPIE) Wall Street movement, raising awareness to everything from turkey cruelty to disrespected leftovers.

Local TurkeyPIE events have surfaced in Bullitt County. Law enforcement officials claim the movement is a piggyback of last month’s PumpkinPIE events.

“Personally I think the PumpkinPIEs and TurkeyPIEs are all a bunch of fruitcakes,” said Bullitt County Emergency Management director Mike Phillips.

The largest of the local events, TurkeyPIE Shepherdsville, involves a general brood without a designated leader. The brood hovers between the Bullitt County Courthouse and the Shepherdsville Government Center.

Many of the brood’s protesters carried banners reading, “We are the 99 percent of the leftovers!”

The Shepherdsville protest has divided the city’s council, some of whom feel the brood’s clucks need to be heard.

Council member Bernard “Bernie” Brown, however, insisted that protesters cease and desist, presenting his ‘Brown Governmental Resolution to Oppose Various Yahoos’ (Brown GRAVY) program to smother the movement.

He added that Brown GRAVY would “fix any turkeys who are in bad taste.”

The Shepherdsville brood is not the only local occupation. In Mt. Washington, a smaller TurkeyPIE event gathered. Some appeared late due to traffic issues along Highway 44.

Mt. Washington Police are currently investigating a mysterious issue involving TurkeyPIE members that apparently drowned while protesting at the city’s water treatment plant.

“We don’t necessarily like to refer to them as drowned,” Mayor Joetta Calhoun said of the turkeys. “We would rather refer to them as moist.”

Following a forced removal from the plant, TurkeyPIE Mt. Washington members are believed to be hiding out in the county’s east end with a herd of Sasquatch.

Melvin Sasquatch, president of the American chapter of United Gargantuan Lakemonsters and Independent Evolutionary Species (UGLIES), denied any Sasquatch protest occurring in the Bullitt County area.

“We like to stay under the radar,” he said. “We’re usually not too visible to humans.”

In Lebanon Junction the TurkeyPIE event has apparently been endorsed by many residents, according to brood member Harmon Turkey.

“They’ve let us set up roost here by their new Veterans Memorial wall,” said Harmon. “(Mayor Butch) Sweat personally told us we were all invited to his place later for a special dinner and that we’d be the guests of honor.”

“That’s a true statement,” said Sweat, licking his chops while grinding an axe. “We’re gonna make every LJ citizen happy this year on Thanksgiving.”

TurkeyPIE movements in the county’s north end have resulted in the most turmoil. The TurkeyPIE Hillview brood protested a recent annexation attempt of a local turkey farm by the city council.

“They have their fish fry events,” yelled one protester. “As turkeys they don’t have anything we want or need!”

TurkeyPIE Hillview also protested a proposed rezoning of an animal processing facility in the Brooks Hill area during a recent Bullitt County Planning and Zoning meeting.

TurkeyPIE Hillview mellowed some when members occupied the Hillview Government Center parking lot during a recent free Bluegrass concert. The band acknowledged the brood’s presence with an extended version of “Turkey in the Straw.”

The TurkeyPIE Fox Chase event has appeared to pick up the most steam, with protesters camping directly in the front yard of Mayor Bill Broughton.

One protester, Regis Turkey, said the group received addresses of the mayor and each council member via the city’s Block Watch program.

“They’ve been beneficial to us,” said Regis. “As long as we don’t start any trouble.”

Tempers briefly escalated as a few TurkeyPIE members mixed up protest signs, carrying anti-speed hump banners reading, “Don’t Tread On Us!”

To appease the situation, council member Wayne Muscar, also a member of the Bullitt County Arts Council, invited fellow actors to his house to entertain TurkeyPIE members with a portrayal of the first Thanksgiving.

“It’s really been lovely,” said Regis. “Muscar’s yard is like our living room. (Council member William) Winbun’s is like our kitchen, he has a nice garden. And (council member Phillip) Puckett’s yard we’ve used as a bathroom.”

When asked why Puckett’s yard was implemented in such a way, another member, Todd Turkey, took the blame.

“I ate all those veggies earlier,” said Todd, in a public apology statement. “With that and all the excitement, I accidentally had a bad case of me-itis in (Puckett’s) yard. Everyone else just sort of followed my lead, I guess.”

The Fox Chase council appealed to the Pioneer Village City Council for assistance in handling protesters. Pioneer Village mayor Gary Hatcher declined.

“We’ve got enough turkeys to handle over here without dealing with all of those turkeys over there,” he said.

Hatcher was referring to the TurkeyPIE Pioneer Village movement taking place outside Becknell Hall, where turkeys vehemently protested the city’s hosting of the annual Ham Radio Days each summer.

Broughton said Fox Chase and the city of Hebron Estates further appealed to Bullitt Fiscal Court to forcibly remove TurkeyPIE members based on their established ‘No Solicitation’ ordinances.

County Judge/Executive Melanie Roberts was unavailable for comment;  however, the Judge Mother, Merrill, spoke on her behalf.

“Actually, I don’t know anything about all these turkey things going on, but I’ve always hoped to get my name mentioned in The Pioneer News,” she said.

Magistrate Joe Laswell was also unavailable for comment, believed to be conducting a series of personal turkey investigations at the Hillview Cracker Barrel.

Meanwhile, Magistrate Ruthie Ashbaugh promised swift action, presenting the Directive Under Magisterial Proclamation Litigating Interaction and Nullifying Gobbler Sedition (DUMPLINGS) Act.

“I can guarantee, when you put turkeys and DUMPLINGS together, everyone is happy,” Ashbaugh argued.

TurkeyPIE members agreed that the protests would go away if humans promised to respect turkeys on Thanksgiving.

“Just give us credit and care,” said Regis. “Proper cooking, carving, packaging for leftovers... if humans respect turkeys, then all is well.”