NORTH POLE - A drastic change in the local celebration of this year’s Christmas holiday may occur due to an overwhelming pandemic in the North Pole area.
Over 80 percent of Christmas Village residents have been identified as carriers of the novel H0H0 Reindeer Flu virus.
Santa Claus, gift-giver to millions and Christmas Village spokesperson, said he indeed suffered from a newer strand of the virus, known as H0H0H0.
“I keep sneezing,” he said. “I’ve wiped my nose so red it looks like a cherry.”
Mrs. Claus has been feeding hot soup and fluids throughout the week in hopes that Santa can still make his annual trip. However, the H0H0 continues to run rampant.
A majority of Christmas Villagers blamed Blitzen for bringing Reindeer Flu to the community. Blitzen pleaded ignorance, though he admitted to a bad case of Hoof and Mouth disease over the summer.
“That was tough to get over, but expected,” Blitzen said of Hoof and Mouth. “But to be honest, I never knew reindeer could flu.”
A private group known as Environmental and Logistical Freelancers (ELF) has received the Supreme Natural Organic Water (SNOW) mist vaccination. They are now spanning the globe in search of temporary Christmas assistance.
Claus believed a total of at least 10 temporary reindeer were needed to replace holes in his sleigh team, along with back-ups in case of continued widespread H0H0.
According to updates, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen and Donder all tested H0H0 positive. Comet only tested for half a H0.
“This year Rudolph is not the only team member with a red nose,” said Santa, sneezing tinsel.
Randolph, a Bullitt County reindeer, was among the potential replacement candidates.
“I’m here if Santa needs me, and I don’t care if I might get sick, because the kids need us, and if it snows a lot I’ll just wear my boots,” Randolph trumpeted.
Experts believed a selection from Bullitt County would likely be a longshot due to an increasing number of deer hunting photos recently printed in The Pioneer News.
With both H0H0 and global warming ever present, the demand for snowmen and women has drastically increased.
“There was a time when all of them could sing, dance, play a little music,” said Claus. “Now we’re lucky if we can find any of them who can actually read music or keep their pants all the way up to their waist.”
Snowpeople suffer from a form of H0H0 called Fluid Loss and Kinetic Effect (FLAKE) Flu. Symptoms include rotted carrot noses, bags under their coals, drooping torsos and excessive ponding, along with a sluggish sensation.
With Randolph’s pending nomination, Bullitt County Judge/Executive Melanie Roberts hoped local grocers, ice sellers and ice cream shops could put together another local candidate (The multi-colored “Tutti Fruity” the Snowwoman was not considered for selection).
The elves in Christmas VIllage were most susceptible to the H0H0 virus, with many of them still reeling from the past year’s rampant wave of Mistletoe Lung.
Elves suffer through the Gigantic Nixed Overall Maturity Equalizer (GNOME) genome gland, which effects height ration, ear pointing and toe curling.
“We have one elf who, at his growth rate since birth last year, may reach a height of as much as four feet,” Claus worried.
North Pole physicians and researchers released a list of preventative H0H0 measures, including a ban on the consumption of any snow both white and yellow.
Claus said he and his reindeer team would likely remain safe for their trip as long as they kept surgical masks on and checked their antler felt at the North Pole Airport Customs prior to flight.
Another option Claus considered was having numerous reindeer teams stationed at various points throughout the planet, trading off at strategic points and avoiding worn out team members. However, a lack of quality deer may not allow for such a plan.
“We’ve only got a few bucks and we’re short on doe,” Claus admitted.
Experts advised local residents to safeguard homes in anticipation of a global epidemic. Claus suggested boughs of holly strung along doorways and windows, along with an evergreen tree in each home to increase carbon dioxide emissions.
“If humans actually get this reindeer flu, other people may laugh and call them names,” Claus said.
Dr. Quincy Tinklepants, a North Pole medical scientist, suggested humans consume as much milk, cookies and eggnog as possible to combat the H0H0 virus.
Tinklepants warned that H0H0, also known in some areas as Xmas Flu, would last in humans for up to 12 days.
Xmas Flu symptoms include a thump like a dozen drummers in your ears, along with a feeling like nine ladies dancing on top of your head, ten lords leaping on your chest and seven swans swimming up your nostrils.
To combat Xmas Flu, Tinklepants suggested a hot stew consisting of six geese, four calling birds, three hens (French hens preferred), two doves (turtle flavored), a partridge and a pear, along with milk from eight maids (optional) and five golden bullion rings.
In a non-related story, the Bullitt County Sheriffs Department warned of a high alert pertaining to home safety on Christmas Eve.
Sheriff Donnie Tinnell said the past year’s recession may lead to more attempted break-in’s, especially during the big night.
If someone dressed in red lands on your roof with reindeer, Tinnell advised first checking the sleigh for a license plate reading, “SANTA CAUS.”
“That’s how you’ll really know it’s him,” said Tinnell. “No ‘L’.”