Shouldn’t be any shortage of turkeys

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By Stephen Thomas

 SHEPHERDSVILLE - The recent Republican wave in the 2018 Bullitt County election has made the area prime pecking ground for the beginning of a major controversy surrounding the Thanksgiving holiday.

Being one of the most pro-Donald Trump counties in the United States, Trump personally recognized the community by donating a Thanksgiving turkey to long-time Republican Bullitt County Judge/Executive Melanie Roberts.

As a result, members of the Bullitt County Democratic Party have cried “fowl” and accused both Trump and Roberts of dinner-related nepotism.

The end result, as expected, was a major riff in Bullitt County citizenship occurring at the most wonderful time of the year, with brother pitted against brother in a turkey showdown of left-wings versus right-wings.

Controversy followed the donation at the national level, when reports were released criticizing Trump for donating the turkey to Roberts that was originally dedicated to recently-fired United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Allegedly, Trump told his staff that he wanted to “remove Sessions and every single turkey related to the guy.”

The former Sessions turkey - named Scruffy by Roberts after admitting that he could not recall his own real name - became a figuresnood for turkeys throughout the country, who have increased protests in recent years over the treatment of turkeys around Thanksgiving.

As word of increased protest reached The White House, Trump tweeted that “these hateful, spiteful, tainted turkeys are not true Americans. The White House will be serving chicken this year. Turkeys can’t be trusted.”

Trump went a step further, having all turkeys banned from the nation’s capital for the holiday, ordering military troops to protect the city’s borders. He also suggested a makeshift, protective wall, preferably built using “all of those loose, tasteless vegetables” designated for the holiday dinner.

Meanwhile, in Bullitt County, turkeys gathered at the Roberts’ home to show support for Scruffy and vehemently protest Trump’s actions, calling for Roberts to rebuke the president’s stance.

“I’m sorry, I’m just a lame-duck judge,” Roberts announced. “My glass is all empty now, so why don’t you go check with that wild turkey from Jim Beam?”

When Roberts learned that turkeys were running out of room on her lawn and standing dangerously close to the roadway, she encouraged them to continue gathering at Little Flock Baptist Church.

“When I learned there was a flock of turkeys, and then a rafter of turkeys, I just thought the flock should flock over to Little Flock and the rafter could hang from the Little Flock rafters,” she said.

As word spread of the local gathering, Scruffy, along with Harpo Turkey, this year’s official Thanksgiving turkey designated for Oprah Winfrey, held a press conference to announce the turkeys’ next actions.

According to Harpo, all turkeys would gather into farm trucks and head from Bullitt County to Washington, DC. The massive trot would be known as the Turkey Conglomeration Against Radicalism and Vigilance Against Nationalism, or Turkey CARAVAN.

As news reports spread like gravy, Trump quickly denounced the CARAVAN, warning Americans that life “will end as we know it if we let this evil CARAVAN arrive.”

Numerous news sources then reported that a 30-second television ad was created, encouraged to be aired during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, sharing Trump’s concerns that the Turkey CARAVAN reaching Washington would be “apocalyptic” to the national holiday.

Trump denied knowing about the ad, though he credited it with “effectively increasing the popularity of Thanksgiving throughout the country,” adding that, “no one celebrates this national holiday better than Americans.”

As the Turkey CARAVAN slowly made its trek toward the Capital, another rafter of turkeys began to organize on the lawn of State Rep. Linda Belcher, all of them turkey hens, ready to speak out against previous Trump actions and words against women.

Spokesturkey Jenny “Henny” Turkey, official turkey for actress and Louisville native Jennifer Lawrence, announced a new organization, the Turkeys Together to Oust Oglers, better known as the TurkeyTOO movement.

According to Henny, male turkeys have been physically and verbally attacking their female counterparts for years at various turkey farms, adding that the hens have had enough.

Henny mentioned her own issues with Hercules “Herky” Turkey, a former turkey designated for a Trump Thanksgiving feast at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. Herky also made headlines during a steroids investigation in which he was accused of an unnatural increase in giblet size.

Wearing their ‘Wattle Hats’, the TurkeyTOO flock planned to join the Turkey CARAVAN flock on its journey. With both protest organizations first developing in Bullitt County, local officials feared a shortage of Thanksgiving turkeys this season for area families.

However, Bullitt County Economic Development director John Snider noted that many local restaurants “will be serving all sorts of turkey-based meals, from sandwiches to old-fashioned plates just like dear old Grandma used to make.”

Also, many churches and various community organizations host meals, with those less-fortunate hopefully being taken care of for Thanksgiving and throughout the coming winter months.

Roberts reminded locals that “there are going to be a lot of turkeys in Washington soon if you’re looking for more of them.”

Please keep others in mind this holiday season, remain courteous to one another, and continue to make Bullitt County a wonderful place to live. And please have a Happy Thanksgiving!