SHEPHERDSVILLE — Bullitt County could be in for some wild and wacky weather this spring following a plethora of decisions made by county and city officials during the first month of the year.
The trouble began following the recent election, when three new county magistrates took office.
The remaining senior magistrate, Shaun Logsdon, made a bold decision during the first fiscal court meeting of the year, announcing his endorsement of Floyds Fork Floyd as the county’s official groundhog and speaker of the weather.
The other magistrates balked at the nomination, despite a gleaming endorsement from county judge/executive Jerry Summers, who immediately promoted updated plans for his “Summers Cancels Winter” initiative.
Other magistrates refused to vote for Floyd, going as far as to vote for other groundhogs from their own districts. However, following days of frustration, persuasion, and political motivation, Floyd was selected on the 15th ballot, despite grunts pertaining to alleged voter fraud.
Fiscal Court was thrown for a loop when it was discovered, through investigative efforts by The Pioneer News staff, that Floyd lied about his professional groundhog resume, and was actually known as Albuquerque Anthony.
It was determined that Anthony was not from Bullitt County, and that his fiscal court resume was saturated with embellishments including digging the world’s largest tunnel, predicting weather for the Pope, and working as a stunt double for actor/comedian Jack Black.
Another issue, claimed by a whistlepigblower from the Moonack and Marmot (M&M) Corporation, which Floyd once allegedly represented, said Floyd was not even a groundhog. As a result, M&M decided to cease use of groundhog spokespigs in favor of human celebrities.
Due to the nature of the situation, employees of the Bullitt County Health Department immediately sued fiscal court over what they deemed was the “illegal placement of a rodent not properly hired through proper channels, who falsely led voters, and had no record of rabies shots.”
In another sign of protest and solidarity, Bernheim Forest announced that any members associated with Floyd’s rodent affiliation, the Louisville-Area Groundhog Establishment (LGE) would not be allowed to tunnel underneath forest-owned property.
Bullitt County Public Schools superintendent Dr. Jesse Bacon called for a ban of groundhogs on all district-owned properties. However, Bacon later claimed that the decision was more of a precaution to protect new sports turf fields being placed at high school campuses.
Another issue arose when Bullitt County Clerk Kevin Mooney announced that Floyds Fork Floyd was suspected of illegally taking home hundreds of classified county documents to help pad his hole in the ground during a recent winter storm.
Floyd denied all accusations of storing documents at his Marred-A-Loghole residence, especially the ones printed on thicker paper which provided better insulation during heavy Arctic windstorms.
With all of the backlash involved, Logsdon withdrew his Floyd endorsement, agreeing with other magistrates that the county should return to hiring former county groundhog Nichols Nick and return him to his daunted tree stump.
However, tempers flared when a Bullitt County Planning and Zoning legal document was located under a nest in Nick’s summer hole. Despite Nick reportedly knowing nothing about the document, and immediately reporting it, officials and some local hunters lost their minds.
United States Rep. James Comer even addressed the issue, wondering aloud in numerous interviews why the organization known as Furry Ballistics Inspectors (FBI) “weren’t ransacking Nick’s hole in the ground the way they did Floyd’s… or whoever that land beaver is.”
Comer refused further comment, however, when news sources in Frankfort reported that classified state documents were found in the hole of Comer’s own groundhog, Tompkinsville Tommy.
The unprecedented situation did not sit well in many portions of Bullitt County. Following the year’s first Bullitt County Mayors’ meeting, each city discussed the establishment of its own groundhog weather prediction program to circumvent the county plan.
The first to speak publicly was Shepherdsville mayor Jose Cubero, who immediately called for a special city commission to assist with a new city groundhog, while altering the city’s budget to pay the rodent, and also creating a new program to aid homeless groundhogs throughout the city.
Cubero’s plans were voted down by the council after Cubero’s nomination, Heritage Hill Harriet, failed to arrive at the special meeting. Harriet later informed The Pioneer News that she got lost on her way, claiming a new “no left turn” sign had been posted near her underground tunnel.
The city of Mount Washington always had its own groundhog position established for better promotion of its local weather. However, mayor Stuart Owen made the decision to fire Landis Lane Lori, the current whistlepig holding the position.
Owen recently hired and introduced the city’s new groundhog, Pleasant Grove Pete, during a recent council meeting.
The Hillview City Council hosted a special meeting to hire Hillview Hilliard, a groundhog endorsed by mayor Jim Eadens. The council voted against the hiring, however, after many residents complained that a groundhog did not comply with the city’s new livestock ban ordinance.
Hebron Estates mayor Jerry Clark endorsed Hebron Hank as the new city soothsayer. Hank resigned shortly after, citing issues involving burrowing through excess goose poop in the yard of one local resident.
In Hunters Hollow, mayor Shawn MacIntyre announced a plan to hire a groundhog on an as-needed basis, rather than entering into an interlocal agreement with the county to provide the service.
MacIntyre also suggested the city hire a groundhog pro-tem in the event that the hired groundhog could not fulfill its duties. He hoped the services of both woodchucks could be funded through money provided by the American Rodent Prognostication Association (ARPA) funding.
Fox Chase mayor Owen Taylor advised his city council not to select a groundhog. Taylor felt holes in the ground left behind by rodents would be misconstrued as an attempt to add new speed bumps.
In Pioneer Village, city groundhog Spring Meadow Spalding agreed to provide a shadow forecast that would be reported in The Pioneer News.
However, some council members feared they would miss out on the report altogether, instead choosing to livestream the entirety of the shadow search, prompting Spalding to abruptly resign from the position.
“I work alone,” Spalding said. “Everybody knows that.”
Lebanon Junction mayor Larry Dangerfield was the only mayor to report no groundhog-related issues in his city, noting that a new city cemetery pavilion provided a safe and feasible location for shadow viewing by city groundhog Lebanon Junction Louie.
However, some local residents addressed their concerns to the mayor that no further groundhog burrowing be allowed within city limits.
The Pioneer News contacted the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club in Pennsylvania, an organization that assists groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, Weather Predictor Extraordinaire, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, and Prognosticator of Prognosticators.
According to the club’s Inner Circle president and shingle shaker Tom Dunkel, Phil’s official forecast can, and should be, legally used by any areas of the country that do not have a binding, legal, or otherwise seemingly bona fide weather predictor.
Therefore, Bullitt County residents are strongly urged to heed Phil’s prognostication on the morning of Feb. 2 to determine whether or not the area will receive six more weeks of winter weather.
Summers, who first cried fowl at the local rodent fiasco, then crowed at the national rodent predictor laws, wept openly during a press conference in which he thanked local, state and federal officials for all of their quick responses and assistance.
The county judge also predicted six more weeks of “unprecedented success” for the county after spotting the shadow of Gov. Andy Beshear during a recent press conference promoting the expansion of UofL Health-Medical Center South.
“I take great personal pride in knowing I have helped to throw some shade over this groundhog issue,” he said.
To see Punxsutawney Phil’s official prediction, go to groundhog.org.