FOX CHASE — Local, state, federal, and international law enforcement officials, including the U.S. Armed Forces and the North Pole Task Force (NPTF), are working together in regards to a dangerous situation in Bullitt County involving reindeer.
A tractor trailer transporting this year’s official sleigh team for Santa Claus had an accident on its way to the North Pole, causing reindeer to escape the trailer and go into hiding.
The day following the incident, during a press conference, NPTF spokeself Winkie Tinselhanger said the accident was a result of the trailer’s driver following faulty directions via his GPS system, which led him off of Interstate 65 and then onto Hebron Lane.
According to Tinselhanger, when the driver tried to turn around on Fox Chase Drive, he insisted to investigators that “the solid white stripe in the center of the road discomboobulated my vertigo,” causing the accident.
As the trailer came to rest along the side of the road, reindeer escaped through a hole in the side of the trailer. Most were gathered up, while a few initially fled the scene. Some residents reported that the deer may have darted, possibly even flown, into the nearby quarry area.
Within a few days, the majority of reindeer had all been retrieved. However, a mule deer known as Gary remained vigilant. Gary was elected to fill the Blitzen #8 team position for Santa’s sleigh.
Eventually a Shepherdsville business shared security camera video footage of an incident along S.Buckman Street taking place at 1:26 am per the camera’s feed. The video showed Gary in full, lumbering trot headed southbound over the Salt River bridge.
Closely following Gary was a Kentucky State Police cruiser, a Shepherdsville Police cruiser, and Bullitt County sheriff Walt Sholar, riding on horseback, wearing a cowboy hat, and swinging a lariat above his head.
Despite the released footage, Gary remained elusive and was reported as still missing. Local officials brainstormed ideas to flush out the white-tailed outlaw.
“I’m confident that our local EMS crews will get the job done,” said Bullitt County judge/executive Jerry Summers. “Our new vehicles have brand new lighting, which will stop that Gary like a deer in the… well, they’ll just work.”
From there, Summers wept openly at the press conference, due to the fact that the incident took place in the county on his watch.
“I’ll feel terrible if the good boys and girls can’t have their gifts delivered this year,” he said, quickly switching to a joke about hiring reindeer to pull local EMS vehicles and saving on gas money.
Meanwhile, Shepherdsville mayor-elect Jose Cubero promised to have everything under control “likely by the end of this press conference.”
Sholar interrupted to report that Louisville Police officials shared evidence that Gary was in hiding near Bernheim Forest. They believed he established a hideout alongside a cow that disappeared from a similar accident in Louisville earlier in the year.
According to the information, the vigilante cow, identified as L.C. Moody, may have conspired to alter the driver’s GPS system, allowing Gary and other reindeer a chance to escape and join him in hiding.
“This is what the Louisville Police spokesperson informed me about, right after he put down his rack of ribs, wiped his fingers and took off his bib,” Sholar said.
Summers said local officials would remain alert until the vigilante reindeer was in custody. Until then, he promised to raise funds for children in Bullitt County that may not receive Christmas gifts this year due to the event, hosting a holiday steak dinner.
“It will be a lot of fun, and Mrs. Summers will be there wearing the new alligator shoes I bought her for Christmas,” he said.
From there, Summers wept openly due to the fact that he realized how the custom shoes were made.
“Yes, I know I’m crying crocodile tears,” he said, quickly switching to a joke about “reptile dysfunction.”
New Bullitt County jailer Bryan Whittaker was positive that his plan to release detention center prisoners into the forest would result in the finding and capturing of wayward steer.
“Who would know more about evading officials than these folks,” Whittaker argued.
Unfortunately, no prisoners volunteered for the assignment, as they all wanted to stay at the jail to enjoy an impromptu holiday barbecue being provided by county officials.
Hebron Estates mayor Jerry Clark provided Summers with an idea to use skunks from his city to lure the outlaws from the forest.
“All you gotta do is come and collect the skunks,” he said.
Hillview mayor Jim Eadens added that the county could also collect the rats in his city, then paint them black with white stripes to further enhance the plan.
Sholar said he would search online for “extremely small lariats” in the event that sheriffs were dispatched to retrieve the volunteered vermin.
Summers considered all ideas as he hoped to maintain rodent control in the county’s north end prior to the placing of a special beam at the UofL Health-Medical Center South facility. Soon afterward, he reversed course and declined to go with the plan.
“Those poor skunks, and rats, they didn’t mean any harm, they’re just trying to survive like the rest of us,” he said.
From there, Summers wept openly due to the fact that any animals in cages reminded him of the ASPCA television commercials.
“It always ruins the mood of those Gomer Pyle reruns,” he admitted, quickly switching to a joke about “Gomer’s singing voice and ‘Marine’ biology.”
A week prior to Christmas, with the sleigh team situation still up in the air on the ground, Gary left the underground, turning himself over to authorities.
“Anything to keep that dude from crying again,” he said.
Bullitt County officials celebrated by inviting the entire community to a Christmas luau, complete with “all the beef jerky you can carry,” Summers said.
With no further reports on Moody, NPTF investigated the possibility of his disappearance in relation to all of the many beef dinners being provided throughout the county. Summers, at a free milk and cookies party, with a full milk mustache, denied the allegations.
During the event, magistrate Joe Laswell introduced his new brand of NFT superhero trading cards, featuring various versions of himself on each card representing various aspects of his career.
Along with photos of him working in law enforcement and with the Red Cross, cards portrayed Laswell snoozing at the fiscal court dais, as well as at the Fox Chase City Council meetings during his tenure as mayor.
“My favorite one is the image of me snoozing on my fishing boat,” he admitted.
NPTF added to its investigation, receiving reports of tainted meat and milk in the area. Tinselhanger said the ordeal may have occurred while the Bullitt County Health Department was focused on naming a new director, potentially slacking on other services.
As of press time, Gary was reported arriving at the North Pole, where he would receive intense training for Santa’s trip around the globe on Christmas Eve. To keep track of Santa’s sleigh and reindeer team, including Gary as Blitzen, visit noradsanta.org.
To keep track of area holiday events, local officials, city and county business, the health department, hospital expansion, assorted rodent populations, and all other Bullitt County news, call (502)543-2288 or email tbarr@pioneernews.net to get a subscription to The Pioneer News.
Merry Christmas to all!!